I had one of those moments last week that stopped me in my tracks. I was sitting at the dinner table with my family, and my phone buzzed. Without thinking, I reached for it – pure habit. My teen was in the middle of telling a story about their day, and I caught the slight pause in their voice, the almost imperceptible shift in their expression.
That’s when it hit me: every time I glance at my phone during our conversations, I’m telling my kids that whatever is on that screen is more important than they are.
As parents, we’re constantly telling our teens to put their phones away, to be more present, to engage with the “real world.” But here’s the uncomfortable truth: they’re learning their phone habits from us. And during this holiday season, as we rush around trying to create the perfect Christmas experience, we might be missing the most meaningful gift we can give our families – our undivided attention.
The Hidden Message of a Phone on the Table
Did you know that research shows even having a phone visible on the table changes the quality of our conversations? It sends a subtle but clear message: “I’m not fully here. Something more important might come up.” Our teens pick up on this, even if they don’t consciously realize it.
Think about it – we’re teaching them how they deserve to be treated. Every time we choose our phone over their story, we’re showing them that it’s normal and acceptable to be someone’s second priority. Is that really what we want them to expect from their future relationships?
The Gift of True Presence
Here’s what I’ve learned in my years of working with teens: they don’t need another gadget or trendy gift. What they’re truly hungry for is connection. Real, undistracted, I’m-completely-here-for-you connection. And yes, this often means doing the very thing we’re asking them to do – putting our phones away.
Try this experiment: For the next family dinner or activity, leave your phone in another room. Not on silent, not face down on the table – in another room entirely. Notice how it feels. Notice how your teens respond. You might be surprised by how time seems to slow down, how conversations deepen, how much more you laugh together.
Making Space for Real Connection
During this holiday season, consider creating phone-free zones or times in your home. Here are some ideas that have worked for families in our Teen Connect community:
– Designate the dinner table as a phone-free zone (parents included!)
– Create a family charging station in a common area where all phones “sleep” at night
– Plan screen-free activities like:
– Baking holiday treats together
– Playing board games
– Going for winter walks
– Volunteering at a local food bank
– Having a Christmas movie marathon (with phones in another room)
– Doing holiday crafts together
The key isn’t just doing the activity – it’s being fully present while you do it. No checking emails, no quick glances at social media, no “just letting me finish this one thing.”
Leading by Example
Remember, our teens are watching us. They notice when we say phones aren’t allowed at dinner but keep checking our own “important” messages. They see when we tell them to live in the real world while we scroll through our feeds.
Want your teens to spend less time on their phones? Start by examining your own screen habits. Want them to engage more in family activities? Show them how by being fully present yourself.
A Challenge for the Holidays
As we head into this holiday season, I want to challenge you to give your family the gift of your presence. Pick one activity each day where you completely unplug. Leave your phone in another room. Focus entirely on the people in front of you.
Watch what happens. Notice how conversations deepen. Pay attention to the small moments – the subtle expressions, the spontaneous laughter, the unguarded sharing that happens when we create space for real connection.
Because here’s the truth: our teens don’t need us to be perfect. They don’t need the most expensive gifts or the most elaborate holiday experiences. They need us to be present. To listen without distraction. To show them through our actions that they are worth our full attention.
This holiday season, let’s give our teens the gift that no amount of money can buy – the gift of our genuine, undivided presence. It might just be the most valuable present under your tree.
Join me as I dive deep into how the lack of real-world connection has become one of the biggest challenges for teens today by reading my e-book [here].