When young people are developing their social skills, there are a myriad of different stimuli and responses from other humans that offer us feedback and help us gauge how our words and actions affect other humans, their perception of us, and if the interaction built connection or not. Humans have evolved to depend on interpersonal interactions and connections for our survival, and studies have shown that in the last 15 years, the amount of time spent with other people versus in online interactions has vastly dropped.
What Does This Mean for Our Kids?
It means they’re growing up in a world where many of their interactions and communications are happening online or via text instead of face-to-face. At first glance, this doesn’t seem like a big deal, but if we dig deeper, we can see how this impacts healthy development.
For instance, if a child or teen says something to someone else in person that hurts their feelings, whether intentional or not, they immediately see the results of their words. Whether the other person gets angry, looks sad, or responds negatively in some way, they have to look them in the eye and deal with how their words impacted their emotions, develop empathy, AND they have the ability to immediately course correct, offer an apology if appropriate, or use body language.
When they say something hurtful online (on purpose or not), they don’t have the benefit of seeing the other person’s reaction, feeling the emotions in the room, or immediately course correcting. It’s hard to have an empathetic response and there’s no eye contact or body language to give context, especially if there is a joke involved. If someone doesn’t like what they said, the person can simply block them without your child having the opportunity to really know what happened or how they could have communicated differently. And/or, your child may have a disagreement with someone and block them, and neither party has the opportunity to really learn from the experience and work things out.
Why This Matters More Than Ever
Kids and teens NEED these in-person interactions, arguments, discussions, and opportunities to see how their actions impact others. To practice empathy, problem solving, and relationship mending—and online interactions rob them of that. It wouldn’t be a big deal if it was just occasional, but if the average teen is doing a majority of their communicating online or via text, it will be impossible for them to develop the full range of social and emotional skills needed for healthy adult communication.
The average teen spends 7-9 hours on their phone or device outside of school. Which means that the average teen is doing the majority of their communicating online, where nuance, the ability to read facial expressions and emotions, and deepen interpersonal communication isn’t being practiced.
What Can We Do?
Having open communication with our teens about the purpose of their cell phones is the first step. It’s an amazing tool, can provide them with a great camera, music, and information at their fingertips. Yes, they can talk to their friends, but make sure they know that it cannot replace in-person interaction. Teach them to use it to set up and communicate about in-person activities and then at those activities, they need to put the phone away and BE PRESENT.
And you as the parent need to model this for them. They are more likely to follow your example, not your instructions. If you’re truly present with them, then they come to value what it feels like to truly be present with other people.
Second, you set the culture in your home… a culture of being present with each other. You decide what your home culture and values are and stick to it:
– Do you want phones at the dinner table?
– In their bedrooms?
– When hanging out with family members?
You decide, set the guidelines AND the example. Some families collect all the phones and turn the WiFi off at night. Some families have a basket for phones to go in during dinner. Some families have no devices when friends are over, so that kids maximize their time to interact.
Whatever your family decides is up to you, but be intentional and choose your values rather than running on default. You get to choose right now what kind of communication skills and interpersonal relationship skills your teens have, and it has nothing to do with classes, courses, or schools. It has everything to do with getting in the maximum number of in-person, phone-free hours of face-to-face communication time with friends and family.
You decide.