It’s all too easy to fall into familiar patterns with our teenagers. As parents, we’ve spent years “helping” our children—and often, that help has meant jumping in with advice whenever we see them facing a challenge.
But here’s the uncomfortable truth: when we rush in too quickly to offer solutions, we rob our teens of vital opportunities to develop their problem-solving muscles. Our advice, though well-intentioned and based on a lifetime of experience, represents only one perspective. And frequently, our teens intuitively know what they need better than we might expect.
Every challenge life presents is an opportunity to learn, grow, and practice critical thinking skills. Research consistently shows that young people who have parents who allow them to solve their own problems develop greater confidence as adults. Conversely, those whose parents rush in with ready-made solutions often become more anxious because they haven’t had sufficient practice navigating life’s obstacles independently.
It can be genuinely difficult to stay quiet when we see our kids struggling. Our parental instinct screams at us to fix, solve, and smooth the path ahead. But what if the most supportive thing we can do is simply get curious?
Instead of rushing in with advice, try asking questions like:
- “How does that make you feel?”
- “What would a better outcome look like to you?”
- “What do you think you need in this situation?”
- “What would you like to do about this?”
- “Why does this feel challenging for you?”
- “How can I support you right now?”
When we take this approach, we also model good listening skills—teaching our teens by example how to be supportive listeners to their friends. We demonstrate that being present doesn’t always mean having all the answers.
The truth is, our teens have an inside perspective that we simply don’t possess. They know the dynamics of their friend groups, the unwritten rules of their social environments, and the intimate details of their challenges in ways we cannot. Often, they don’t need our solutions—they need a sounding board. They want to make decisions for themselves and know that we believe in their capacity to solve their own problems.
You simply believing in them, holding space, staying curious, and remaining grounded in your own presence while they work through their challenges might be the greatest gift you can give them.
The next time your teen shares a problem, try taking a deep breath before responding. Resist the urge to immediately offer advice. Instead, ask a thoughtful question and then—perhaps the hardest part—wait patiently for their answer. You might be amazed at the solutions they discover on their own.