Last week, I wrote about the importance of not always giving advice to our teenagers. This week, I want to focus on something equally challenging but incredibly powerful: showing our teens that we trust them.
This can be difficult, can’t it? Especially when we see them struggling or potentially heading toward choices we wouldn’t make. But here’s the reality: teenagers are young adults on the cusp of independence. One of the most crucial elements of confidence in adulthood is being able to trust ourselves—to have the conviction to step forward knowing that whatever decision we make is the right one for us.
I’ve been witnessing this firsthand with my 14-year-old daughter. She’s grappling with a significant decision about her education. When I ask her what she wants to do, her response is consistently, “I don’t know. I’m so afraid of making the wrong decision.” My answer to her is always the same: “You can’t make the wrong decision. When you follow your intuition, it’s always the right decision for you. And ultimately, nobody else can make the right decision for you.”
This is a critical lesson for teenagers to learn. When we begin handing over the reins—letting them have input on their education, extracurricular activities, or even daily schedules—something powerful happens. When teens make their own decisions, they develop ownership. With ownership comes responsibility, increased engagement, and typically, a better attitude.
Contrast this with making all decisions for them. When we do this, it becomes easier for teens to fall into victim mode. If something doesn’t work out, they can say, “I never wanted to do this anyway. You forced me.” This creates a power struggle where we’re trying to get them to do what we think is best, while they’re unable to step into independence and full ownership of their lives.
Of course, as parents, it’s our job to keep them safe. We need to provide a secure framework within which they can make decisions. But if we don’t allow them to start taking ownership over their lives, they’ll never gain the confidence to make decisions independently.
And yes—sometimes they’ll make mistakes. From our perspective, they might not always make the “best” decision. But that doesn’t matter because even mistakes are valuable learning opportunities. We can love them through these moments and give them the chance to see how to handle disappointment or recover from errors.
If we never give them opportunities to make mistakes, how will they learn resilience? How will they develop the ability to say, “That didn’t work out how I wanted. Let me try again or go in a different direction”? Sometimes they need to make mistakes to learn how to pivot and take ownership.
Think of it this way: If you’re always a passenger on a trip, you rarely pay attention to the specific turns and routes. It’s much harder to remember how to get to that destination again. But when you drive, you pay attention and remember. Our kids need to learn how to be the drivers in their own lives.
It’s tempting, when we see them experiencing anxiety or doubt about a decision, to jump in and decide for them. But these are precisely the moments when they most need to make their own choices. Our role is to support them and ask thoughtful questions: “What is it that you really want? What would be the ideal outcome for you in this situation?”
And don’t stop at the first answer. Dig deeper: “Why do you want that? How would that feel? What might result from that decision?” Without judgment or steering them in a specific direction, we can help them learn to navigate decisions independently.
This is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children as parents. It’s also one of the hardest things to do. But they will remember the act of generosity, and the feeling of having parents who truly trust them to make the right decisions is an enormous confidence builder.
And isn’t that what we all want for our children?